Jackie and Miguel had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. But Jackie, who is a thoughtful young woman, decided she should get on the pill a few months before the wedding, to be ready—something most people had recommended she do. In fact, if you Google “which contraception is best for a newlywed couple?” the top answer is the pill.
But for Jackie and Miguel, their choice of family planning—the pill—ruined the newlywed experience they had so anticipated. In fact, Jackie even wondered if she had married the wrong man…
When preparing to get married, couples rightly feel that they’re starting a new phase in their lives. Family planning is a natural part of the engaged and newlywed phase, and your decisions in this area could have an important impact on your future and that of your family. So how can you be sure that you’re making the right choice?
Some key facts about when you can get pregnant
Before discussing the question of what family planning method to use for marriage, let’s go over some key basics about the science of fertility that you may or may not already know.
- Women only release an egg (ovulate) once a month, and a woman’s egg only survives for about 12-24 hours before disintegrating
- Men’s sperm, in a fertile environment, will survive for about 5 days
- As a result, a couple is only fertile for about 6 days during the entire cycle, during a period of time known as the fertile window (although the exact length of this window will vary from couple to couple, which her fertile signs will reveal with precision)
Why do young married couples choose hormonal contraception?
If you’re like Jackie and Miguel, and like many other young couples, you are considering or already using contraception for a number of reasons:
- It’s relatively easy to use
- It’s free, or almost free, and readily accessible
- It’s prescribed by medical professionals
- Because it’s a medical product, it gives you a sense of security
- You’ve already been using it for months or even years, perhaps for medical reasons or as birth control before marriage, so why not continue?
For many couples, the goal in using birth control is likely because they want to wait to have children until a few years into marriage, or to continue building a career or finishing some studies, or to become more secure and find a better place to live before starting a family. Perhaps your goal is driven by a combination of all of those factors, none of which are negative in themselves.
A better approach to achieving the same goals
While fertility awareness methods (FAM) or methods of natural family planning (NFP) can be just as effective as pharmaceutical birth control at helping you plan or prevent pregnancy, they achieve these goals by a very different approach. Totally relying on the woman’s natural cycle, fertility awareness teaches a couple to observe and record the natural signs of fertility and to identify the fertile window. In other words, you and your husband will know every day if having intercourse would likely result in a pregnancy or not, and you can choose according to your goals at that time.
Fertility awareness methods require education, training, and some coaching in the initial months to ensure that you both are confident with charting and identifying the fertility window. It requires discipline and strength from both partners as well, because you will have to abstain for a period of time during each month when you’re trying to avoid pregnancy. It also requires a mutual commitment to the same goals and dialogue about it (yes, communication!).
So, you might be wondering, why should we bother with fertility awareness when there are technologies like the pill or IUD that make it so simple to get the same results?
As with anything, a simple technology promoted with a short-term outlook on life and health can sound very appealing. However, it may not be the best for you, especially in the long run. For example, if you’re trying to lose weight, getting your stomach stapled would work very quickly and effectively—but it is not always the best solution for each person’s overall health and wellbeing. Taking pharmaceutical birth control is, in a way, like “stapling” your fertility system.
So, why choose fertility awareness or NFP for your newlywed family planning?
When weighing the pros and cons of fertility awareness or NFP, and especially when comparing fertility awareness and birth control, there are a few, important considerations for you to think about and discuss with your fiancé or spouse:
Your health
We now have ample evidence of the risks and side effects of contraception, which range from impacting your energy level, your mental health and your feelings of well-being, to weight gain, depression, breast cancer, auto-immune diseases, and vascular diseases (think blood clots and their related events). The various formulations of hormonal contraception are chemical drugs that have a significant impact on your entire body, not just on your uterus and ovaries. New research shows that long-term use of hormonal birth control even has a significant impact on the brain. And copper IUDs, while touted as natural options, are anything but—they, too, can cause serious damage to your health.
Your libido
Women’s enjoyment of sex is conditioned by emotions and by hormones. One of the critical hormones for women’s ability to desire and enjoy intercourse is testosterone. However, hormonal contraception tends to affect the production of this hormone. (In fact, that’s exactly what happened to Jackie.)
Your relationship
Ask yourself this: What method of family planning will be better for your newlywed (and longterm) marital relationship? Is it contraception or fertility awareness? We can’t ignore the studies that show the huge difference that NFP makes in the marriages of those who use it. Couples report that these methods improve their communication, increase their mutual respect, and magnify their intimacy. They have intercourse at least as frequently as those on contraception—and they enjoy it more. A few studies also show a huge difference in the divorce rates of fertility awareness users, as over 95% of these couples stay married.
Your family
NFP equips couples to take care and maintain healthy fertility so that when they’re ready to grow their family, they are more likely to get pregnant. This is an especially important feature if you wait to conceive until past the age of 30 (whether by choice or circumstance).
An added bonus is that fertility awareness gives you flexibility, as the dialogue between you and your husband about children is ongoing, as what you planned a year ago can change. Contraception does not provide the same level of flexibility, as it can take anywhere from a month to a few years after stopping birth control for fertility to return (depending on the method). With fertility awareness, you live out the dialogue of family planning as a major part of your marriage relationship. (Not talking often about children during a marriage is a bit like playing a no-shooting game of basketball, sticking with dribbling and passing to each other but never talking about scoring… Since many couples report wanting kids some day, there’s a lot to lose by foregoing these conversations).
Fortunately, once Jackie and Miguel realized the impact of their family planning choice on their newlywed relationship, they quickly went off the pill and learned about NFP. Many years into their marriage, they have become proponents for NFP methods that truly changed their marriage and their lives. If you’re still not sure if fertility awareness is right for you as an engaged or newlywed couple, speak to other couples who have been using these methods for a few years, and you will understand the difference it makes.
When this article refers to fertility awareness methods (FAM), or natural family planning (NFP), we are referring to Fertility Awareness-Based Methods, evidence-based methods of cycle charting which can be used as effective forms of natural birth control when learned by a certified instructor.
Additional Reading:
Is Natural Family Planning Unnatural For Relationships?
Empowering Teenage Girls to Know Their Bodies: A conversation with Emily Sederstrand
Libido in the Time of COVID-19
How using FAM can lead to a large family—but not by accident!
How Mindfulness Can Help Improve Communication and Charting Habits for Couples
The Male Birth Control You’ve Been Searching For is Here
4 Reasons It’s Worth It to Get a Fertility Awareness Instructor
