Part 3 of a Natural Womanhood series on teen sex. View Part I and Part II.
A strange problem I’ve encountered in my work with teens and in sex education is that a lot of people don’t know what a teen is. I can hear your objections now–how would someone not know what a teen is? While it may sound crazy, I think a lot of people who comment on things like sex education don’t interact with teens on a regular basis. Their only available references seem to be high school movies that cast adult actors in their mid-20s for teen roles, like 26 year-old Rachel McAdams as 16 year-old Regina George in the cult-classic Mean Girls.
For example, when I testified on a house bill to modify Colorado’s comprehensive sex education law, I encountered people who talked about teens as though they were young adults cast in a high school movie, rather than minor-aged adolescents. I heard that teens are “doing it anyways” (not true), that sexual risk avoidance (SRA) is outdated, that it’s wrong to interfere with teen’s personal decisions, and even that not having sex in early adolescence would stunt teens’ maturity (yikes).
Over and over again, other witnesses advocated that sex education should use “consent” as the only barometer of acceptable sexual activity. In many ways, I agree that it’s good for sex education to emphasize consent. It’s a justified reaction to the widespread problem of sexual violence and abuse, especially on college campuses–where many teens are headed after high school. However, when consent is presented as the only qualification for what is sexually acceptable, then there’s a problem. Here’s why consent can never be the final word when it comes to teen sex.
Sex impacts the whole person
During my time working for an organization that taught social and emotional skills to high school students, I saw firsthand how little the typical teen knows about healthy relationships and sex. Teens almost universally reported that they had never talked about sex with a parent, and our own program had very limited time to share all the information we could.
So we prioritized teaching our students the whole-person effects of sexual activity. We challenged teens to envision how different choices might impact their wellbeing emotionally, mentally, socially, financially, and how their choices either honor or clash with values they hold from their families, religion, and/or culture. Steeped as we all are in a culture where casual sex is celebrated and encouraged, it can be a shock to the system for teens to learn that sex has such a profound impact–perhaps especially so for young women.
Three misconceptions teens have about sex that make them unable to give truly informed consent
Even in regards to the physical consequences of sex, which many people assume teens already know (they don’t!), our program worked hard to correct many misconceptions.
#1 Hormonal birth control has many side effects
One such misconception is that it is a simple decision to decide to take birth control, because birth control will protect against the physical consequences of sex–which many teens assume are limited to pregnancy. But hormonal birth control can–and does–fail, and even when it works, it doesn’t simply prevent pregnancy without causing other systemic effects.
Along with a myriad of harmful side effects and risks that come with birth control use, it also interrupts the important processes that need to take place during puberty. And when it is prescribed for things beyond (or in addition to) pregnancy prevention, like irregular or painful periods or acne (as it often is for teens), hormonal birth control can delay the diagnosis and treatment of endocrine or reproductive disorders that can impact a teen’s overall health, potentially making it difficult for them to conceive later in life.
(Note: Teen girls are better served by learning how to read the signs of their bodies, and get help for issues that arise with their cycles in a way that heals and preserves their fertility. For more information on how to introduce your pre-teen or teen girl to this information, check out our Mothers of Pre Teens online course.)
#2 Hormonal birth control doesn’t prevent sexually transmitted infections
Our program also had to educate teens that hormonal birth control doesn’t prevent them from getting sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Some birth control methods like Depo-Provera have been found to increase the risk of male-to-female HIV transmission, a somewhat rare event. And while teen girls may not be worried about their HIV risk, they are at risk for the more common STDs. The CDC reports that half of all new STD infections occur in young adults aged 15–24.
#3 Non-vaginal sex isn’t safer sex
Another common misconception I’ve found in teens is that vaginal sex is “going all the way,” and other forms of sexual activity are somehow safer. In reality, the vaginal canal is quite literally built for sex–it is strong, elastic, and self-cleaning. Other areas of the body can’t measure up to the vagina’s natural defenses, and it’s important to know that sexually transmitted pathogens can infect any mucosal membrane, including genitals, mouth, anus, and eyes. Research has demonstrated an association specifically between having oral sex and a positive STI diagnosis [1].
All of this is to state the obvious: If teens aren’t fully aware of the potential risks of their actions (which is the reality for many of them!), they are not able to freely give informed consent. In other words, we have to acknowledge the reality that teens are not the informed, autonomous near-adults they’re portrayed to be in movies.
In real life, ‘consent’ can be hard to verify–for teens and adults
What’s more, consent is an odd concept to apply towards sex, because it’s a term borrowed from more formal interactions (like legal contracts), not intimate social interactions. Second, it places the responsibility on the “receiver,” rather than on the person initiating sex, to clearly and definitively express what they want to happen. Third, as this report from the University of Tennessee helps articulate, interpreting consent can be very difficult in real life situations for a number of reasons, including [2]:
- “No” or reluctance to engage in sexual activity may be interpreted as the start of a negotiation rather than the end of a conversation
- Being direct and assertive in expressing desires is often considered socially rude, especially for women
- The receiver may feel obligated or bound by expectations in the relationship
- “Yes” may be given out of fear of abuse (in any form) or of the end of a relationship
- “Yes” may be given out of complex relationship dynamics like guilt, anxiety, or prior trauma
- People in a relationship may have different views, assumptions, and feelings about sex
- Misunderstanding (whether intentionally or genuinely)
- The influence of alcohol or other drugs
- Uncertainty about one’s own feelings about sex
- The perception that sexual assault is defined only as physically forcing someone to engage in sexual activity
Furthermore, all of these issues can be further exacerbated when uneven power dynamics are at play, such as when one partner is a minor teen, and their partner is 18 or older. (Such relationships also put teens at increased risk for grooming, trafficking, abuse, and assault, and the attendant risks for drug abuse, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and depression.)
Consent in real life is a murky concept
In other words, consent is far more murky than “yes means yes” and “no means no,” which places teens engaging in sexual activity at unique risk. Furthermore, the complexity and the pressure placed on the “receiver” can make it difficult for individuals to process sexual trauma should it occur or even to seek support. Clearly, using consent as the only measure for what’s “okay” in terms of sex is problematic, especially for teens.
Most importantly, we want to set our teens up for the best relationships possible
Given the complexity of individuals, relationships, and sex, how do people navigate a sex in a way that truly honors the other person? Consent is certainly one aspect of this bigger picture, but it’s definitely not enough. Respectful sexual activity requires learning about each other’s backgrounds, knowing the other person well enough to recognize what he or she is feeling, looking for mutual enthusiasm, and being able to keep one’s own desires in check if that’s what the other person needs. In other words, it takes commitment, self-control, exclusivity, and deep love and respect–all of which takes the time and maturity that teens (through no fault of their own!) naturally lack due to their young age.
The best example of this kind of mature and committed relationship is, of course, marriage. Let’s love the teens in our lives and offer guidance and encouragement towards this ideal rather than rob them of the support they need to make decisions that honor their inherent dignity. Even if we ourselves chose differently in the past than what we are teaching our teens now, let’s want and encourage better and more for them. Rather than exposing them to infections and emotional harm, let’s empower them to expect and offer lifelong love.
Missed part I, “Teens and sex: The kids aren’t alright; the connection between decreased teen sex and mental health”? Find it here.
Find part II, “Teens and sex: Saving a generation—how abstinence and the Success Sequence can help Gen Z experience long-term success and fulfillment,” here.
References:
[1] Santa-Bárbara RC, Hueso-Montoro C, Martín-Salvador A, Álvarez-Serrano MA, Gázquez-López M, Pérez-Morente MÁ. Association between Sexual Habits and Sexually Transmitted Infections at a Specialised Centre in Granada (Spain). Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020 Sep 21;17(18):6881. doi: 10.3390/ijerph17186881. PMID: 32967101; PMCID: PMC7557876. [2] Scott, Katie D. and Graves, Clint (2017) “Sexual Violence, Consent, and Contradictions: A Call for Communication Scholars to Impact Sexual Violence Prevention,” Pursuit – The Journal of Undergraduate Research at The University of Tennessee: Vol. 8 : Iss. 1 , Article 16.
