As women, there is so much wrapped up in discussions about our bodies and our fertility. Our fertility experiences, encompassing everything from our periods to reproductive issues to difficulty conceiving or recurrent miscarriage, from pregnancy and labor and birth to menopause, can be confusing, complicated, upsetting, and empowering. You may feel like you are cautiously navigating your own relationship with your fertility and body, and you may wonder ‘how on earth can I support my daughter’s relationship with her fertility and her body?’ While you may think you need to have all of the answers, that’s less important than establishing a foundational relationship with your daughter, whereby she feels comfortable coming to you when she needs to talk about the changes she’s experiencing in puberty, and what they mean. Here are five ways you can improve communication to build a trusting relationship with your daughter—so that she’ll want to come to you to have those difficult conversations.
1. Put yourself in her shoes: practice empathy
Many people mistakenly equate empathy with sympathy. Sympathy is feeling pity for another person’s struggles or circumstances. Empathy, on the other hand, is seeking to understand the other person’s perspective as best you can, even if you don’t agree with them. That last part may be key to keep in mind when you’re talking to your daughter. Acting empathetically means being open to hearing the other person’s thoughts, feelings, struggles, and dreams, even if they are different from yours. When you are talking to your teen daughter, chances are good that her perspective will be very different from yours.
What might speaking empathetically sound like? It might sound like, “I hear you saying that you are uncomfortable with some of the changes your body is going through. Can you tell me more about this so I can better understand what you are experiencing?” Or it could sound like, “I can understand why you think periods might seem gross, but I want you to feel empowered and not ashamed of your body. Can we talk more about this together?” Practicing empathy doesn’t mean that you affirm wrong ideas, unhealthy behaviors, or negative attitudes towards her body. It means that you start by earnestly trying to understand what she is saying and imagining what it would feel like if you thought the things she is telling you she thinks. Speaking empathetically is a win-win because your daughter will feel heard and appreciated and you will gain a deeper understanding of what her world is like.
2. Do one thing at a time: choose to actively listen
When you are having a conversation with your daughter, are you really listening, or are you thinking about what you’d like to say as soon as she is done talking? Is it possible you start to feel overwhelmed and maybe completely check out of the conversation, focusing instead on all of the things you have to do, or how you forgot to text a friend back? If you don’t actively listen, you miss an opportunity to be present and engaged in your conversation with your daughter. If you immediately start thinking of how you’d like to respond, you could miss crucial pieces of information that actually help inform the best way to respond to your daughter’s thoughts or concerns. Active listening is your hero strategy, here! It is the act of setting aside expectations, agendas, and responses, in order to listen to what your daughter is really saying to you.
What might that sound like? You could summarize what you think she means, saying, “It sounds like you are worried about what your friends will think since you started your period before they did. Did I get that right?” Or you could ask a clarifying question such as, “I’m not sure I understand. Do you mind saying it a different way? I want to make sure I am getting it right. I care about what you think!”
Active listening can be invaluable when talking with your daughter, especially when combined with speaking empathetically. When you actively listen to your daughter, you will gain fuller insight into the best way to respond to her and help her overall. It can be hard not to jump in and interrupt, and it can be incredibly challenging not to assume you know what she is going to say, or to assume that what you think is best. Taking a deep, grounding breath and simply listening with all of your attention will help facilitate a deeper connection.
3. Curiosity before correction: ask more questions
As a mom, you are probably used to sharing your wisdom with your children. It is truly a gift to be able to help support your children as they grow up, especially with hard-earned life knowledge that might save them stress, pain, and energy. However, there are some situations where jumping straight into advice-giving isn’t helpful and talking to your daughter about fertility and her body may be one of those times.
For example, if your daughter describes her period as “gross” or expresses disgust at her changing body, you might be tempted to jump in and correct her language in an effort to help her feel empowered rather than disgusted. But this could communicate that she did something “wrong” or “bad” when she used that wording. Instead of jumping in to correct her language, ask her to tell you more about what she means when she says she finds her body gross or disgusting. Hearing out her description will help you know better how to respond, and your daughter will feel heard—a win-win!
Yes, sometimes you’ll need to correct wrong ideas. But try to cultivate an attitude of curiosity before the correction, where you are first inquisitive about what your daughter’s experience is like. Remember, though, that asking “why” questions is generally not very helpful for gaining insight, because they may come across as accusatory or judgmental. Instead, ask questions like, “What was that like for you?” and “How did that make you feel?” or “Where did you feel that emotion in your body?” to get a clearer picture of what your daughter is experiencing.
4. Spend quality time together in order to establish a foundation of trust
Having meaningful and helpful conversations with your daughter about fertility and her body first requires a foundation of trust. One of the best ways to build your portion of that foundation is to intentionally spend quality time with your daughter beyond just having important (read: potentially high pressure) talks together.
Regularly doing an activity together that she enjoys helps to communicate that you care about her as a person. For example, you may have a favorite TV show you watch together, a favorite restaurant you like to go to, or a favorite store where you like to shop (or window shop). What you specifically do together isn’t as important as the quality time you are spending together. Think of it as an investment in your relationship with your daughter, so that she feels comfortable coming to you when she needs to talk about something.
Watch your language…especially towards yourself
And finally, be mindful of how you talk about your own body and fertility. If you use judgmental or harsh language about yourself, consider what kind of message you are sending to your daughter. If she hears you using critical words to describe your own experiences, she may internalize that same language when she thinks and talks about her own experiences. For instance, saying things such as “I wish I were skinny like you,” “I can’t have dessert. I don’t want to get fat,” or “I feel ugly” implicitly sends the message to your daughter that it is okay to talk about her own body this way.
Even if there are aspects of your body or fertility that you struggle with, as I addressed here, embracing an attitude of self-compassion and kindness is a more empowering approach for you both. If you notice that you tend to use critical language towards your body, it’s never too late to make a switch and lead by example.
And it doesn’t need to happen overnight! Periodically acknowledge the changes you’re making out loud, so she can see that you’re continuing to grow and develop a healthier body image and relationship with your own fertility. What could this sound like? “Hey, hon, I realize that the way I’ve talked about my weight over the years has sometimes been negative, and I’ve said things like ‘I can’t eat that, I have to watch my weight,’ or ‘I can’t even look at myself in those pictures! I look so wide! And that double chin!’ or ‘I got on the scale recently, I guess it’s carrots and celery for me from here on out!’ But the older I get, the more I realize that my worth as a person isn’t tied to a number on a scale. I do want to maintain a healthy weight because I want to take good care of my body and set a good example for you. I’m working on focusing more on becoming healthier overall rather than fixating on my weight and acting judgmental toward myself.”
Know when to enlist backup: does it make sense to involve a professional?
The techniques I’ve shared above are intended to help improve your communication with your daughter. The relative ease or difficulty of incorporating these techniques will vary from person to person, and how strong or strained your relationship with your daughter is right now matters too. If your relationship has been tense for some time, you might find that even after repeated attempts to speak empathetically, actively listen, etc., she continues to stonewall you. Or, your daughter might share that she’s engaging in some form of self-harm. Whoa, you might think, I’m way out of my league. What then?
First, take a deep breath. Resist the urge to beat yourself up, as if whatever she shared is all your fault, or to succumb to all-or-nothing thinking, assuming that your relationship could never, or will never, get better. Second, know that you don’t have to solve this alone. It’s ok to ask for help. Enlisting the aid of a competent therapist does not make you a failure. It signals humility, openness to explore other options, willingness to learn and grow, and a refusal to put yourself or your daughter in a box by believing that nothing can change. Those are all healthy traits, not signs of failure.
Remember that you are not your daughter’s therapist or her savior, you are her mom. You don’t have to know how to solve every problem. Your role is simply to love her unconditionally to the best of your ability. Be not afraid to get the support you need, for yourself and for her, to do that.
Additional Reading:
Things my friends taught me about periods (that I wish my Mom had taught me first)
