Probably because I do this work, and because I’m a father too, a friend of mine confided the following letter he wrote some time ago to his own daughter. With his permission, I am sharing it because I was touched by the kindness of his sentiments and the depth of his concerns for his daughter, and I believe it can touch many young women in the same way it must have touched her.
“My dear daughter,
You know I love and cherish you. While you were still in your mom’s womb, I sung lullabies to you so you would know my voice. I can still feel your trusting body on my shoulder when, as an infant, you abandoned yourself in my arms in a peaceful slumber. Your little hands are still holding tightly to my pinkies as you were taking your first steps. You are, in my mind, the toddler running to the door joyfully crying “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” when I came home after a long journey. You are that young teen girl who came home from school sometimes happy, sometimes worried or sad, and put her head on my shoulder for comfort.
For a father’s heart, there is a time in life that is a small death and I have been preparing for it ever since you left for college miles away from home. It is the time when, one happy day, another man will become number one in your life. It is good and it is hard. Surely every father, no matter how distant, hopes deep inside that this transition will be the happiest, fullest, and most fruitful for his daughter.
We can’t control the future, nor do I wish to control your future. You are you. So what I am about to say is not to direct your life, but comes from the bottom of my heart, and years of “growing up” alongside your mother.
I would like to tell you about two ways that you can find a good man and be prepared to get along with him for the rest of your life.
Get to know yourself
Before my marriage to your mother, I didn’t know myself very well, neither do I think that she knew herself well. It is thanks to a strong will to make things work no matter what that we stayed together. We had to do the hard work that we should have done earlier in life, even before we started dating. By that I mean the work of discovering what’s inside us that makes us think what we think, feel what we feel, do what we do. We did lots of “fightin’ and hurtin’” before we started figuring some of that out.
Every young woman has wounds and scars that, if unattended, could get in the way of a healthy relationship to themselves and to others. In part because of what parents like me didn’t do as well as they should have. You too have scars, also because of the way our culture is talking to you, with tremendous pressure, about who you are and what you should do.
To find the right man, you will have to have good judgement, which comes from a healthy knowledge of and confidence in who you are. To be able to give to him or receive from him, you will need to know how to give to yourself. To forgive him, you will need to know how to forgive yourself.
Having a mentor, good readings with time for reflection and journaling, and spiritual activities can help you. But if you feel stuck, therapy can also help you learn and practice essential tools to live a happier life. Good therapy teaches people to gain confidence, listen better, to communicate with honesty, and to know how to manage boundaries. It’s not just for people with a mental illness.
Get to know your body
One more piece of fatherly advice. As you know, your mom and I have practiced this somewhat mysterious way of birth control called natural family planning. We used it ever since we conceived you.
This stuff is more than just contraception. Your mom knows how her body impacts her mood, her energy, her ability to concentrate. She doesn’t think she’s bad if she has less attention at times, or feels a bit down. And because I know it too, since we both follow her daily chart, I can adjust my responses to her and better care for her needs.
I read that the pill and hormonal contraceptives really rob you of yourself, cause you to be a different person because your normal hormonal make-up is hijacked. You’re more savvy than I am and you can do your own research about it, but I heard it even changes the way you perceive men and can lead you to like the wrong type of guy for you. I don’t want that for you.
The reason your mother always hated the idea of taking contraceptives is that they’re harmful for a woman’s health. These medications have high doses of hormones that mess up your body, and can cause blood clots and breast cancer. I know there are certainly good reasons to put off having children before you’re ready, but no unplanned child will give you the grief that one of these diseases will give you. Besides, natural family planning works well to plan the timing of babies for when you are ready.
So, my advice to you is that even before you date a guy, you learn to chart your cycles and get to know your body. It’s the best way to get to know yourself biologically and to address any imbalances earlier rather than later. That will help you in all your relationships, especially with the one that matters the most to you for the future.
If you only knew how proud I am of you. You have already given me joys way beyond my deserving. To see you go off in the world and learn, work, play, make friends, fills me so much confidence in your abilities to be a woman who will have a meaningful life. I know that’s what you’re also looking for. We will always be there to encourage you.
With all my love and gratitude for you,
Dad”
As I usually like to provide some research background to what we write in this blog, I thought the following links would be great support for this father’s letter to his daughter:
- An article from Verily about “reasons to get therapy before meeting Mr. Right”
- An article to help find a therapist: http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-find-a-therapist/ (also read the important comment by Jennyfer Raden)
- An article from The Guardian by Holly Grigg-Spall about “How the pill works”
- A video explaining how hormonal contraception affects dating relationships and an article by Scientific American on the same topic.
If you enjoyed this touching letter from a father to his daughter, and are looking for more personal examples of fertility awareness in action, check out the following articles:
How Charting My Cycles with Fertility Awareness Saved My Life
How My Awful Experience with the Copper IUD Led Me to Truly Natural Birth Control
A letter to my pre-charting self
Is Natural Family Planning Unnatural For Relationships?
New Book Explores How Hormonal Birth Control Affects Women’s Brains
This article was originally published on February 4, 2017 as written by Gerard Migeon. It has since been updated by Natural Womanhood to offer more resources. Last updated September 18, 2020.
Not to mention that natural family planning can help you diagnose problems before they get any worse! Because I prepped for marriage before I started dating my now husband, I discovered I had a thyroid condition before we got married. NFP isn’t just for marriage – it’s also just great for women’s health!