Increasingly, women are learning— and mainstream outlets are acknowledging— the possibility of long-term and/or serious physical side effects from hormonal contraceptives. Though perhaps few women know it, contraception can negatively impact relationship health as well. We previously highlighted the connection between hormonal birth control and marital discord, even divorce. On the flip side, though, how does a sense of shared responsibility for fertility gained from fertility awareness methods (FAM) or natural family planning (NFP) benefit marriages?
Isn’t contraception a slam-dunk for engaged or newly married couples?
One major selling point for couples using hormonal contraceptives is the fact that they can engage in sexual intercourse whenever they like without having to be concerned about conceiving when they aren’t ready. The use of hormonal contraceptives in marriage to preserve and protect one-on-one time is often encouraged for couples, perhaps especially when preparing for marriage. When we don’t look too far into it, hormonal contraceptive use for the health of a relationship can almost make sense.
When we start to dig into the science and study the natural consequences of couples using hormonal birth control, however, we see a very different story. According to a study published in The Linacre Quarterly, couples who chose abortion, sterilization, or other methods of contraception increased their likelihood of divorce by up to two times the rate of couples who practiced NFP/FAM.
What makes the relationships of couples who practice NFP/FAM so much more successful in the long run?
Several factors might explain why the relationships of couples who use FAMs tend to thrive. Some research suggests that hormonal suppression affects who we are naturally attracted to as well as our ability to properly regulate our emotions. Logically, then, couples who don’t use hormonal birth control won’t experience its negative relationship impacts. But there are also ways FAM use positively improves relationships. Let’s look at the benefits experienced by couples who acknowledge and embrace shared responsibility for their fertility.
For this article, ‘shared fertility’ means the natural complementarity of the male and female reproductive systems.
We know that, after puberty, men are always fertile. Women, however, are only able to conceive around the time of ovulation each cycle. We can detect the approximate beginning and ending of a woman’s monthly fertile period around ovulation through a variety of biomarkers. These include estrogen and luteinizing hormone (LH) levels in urine, cervical mucus changes, basal body temperature (BBT), and cervical position.
When we take into account that a man is fertile all the time, while a woman is only fertile (that is, able to conceive) around ovulation, we can see the reality that a couple has an approximate eight-day fertile window when their shared fertility will allow for possible conception to occur. A couple who has learned a FAM together and communicates regularly about where the woman is in her cycle is acknowledging and embracing the reality of their shared fertility.
I want to propose three primary reasons for how couples who recognize their shared fertility are subsequently strengthening the health of their relationship. First, I want to put a disclaimer that in this rationale, I am assuming that spouses are already practicing one key behavior through their FAM practice. Namely, the man is supporting the woman in whatever way he can in the practice of FAM. Maybe the man is doing the charting, or he is actively interested in what is going on with her body regularly. However this looks in practicality, the underlying philosophy is always that both the man and woman take responsibility for family planning.
With that in mind, here are three primary ways couples are strengthening their marriage by recognizing their shared fertility.
#1 They are regularly growing their self-sacrificial love muscles
True love involves sacrifice. Couples who use contraceptives may not be as concerned about sacrificing their physical desires daily. I have heard quite often from couples and families where contraceptives are the norm that for a spouse to ever deny the other physical pleasure is wrong. If you take the fertile side of sexual relations away, how easy is it for the act of intercourse to regularly become one-sided?
Couples who practice FAM, however, are living out their sexuality on a completely different playing field. According to Dr. Kyusaku Ogino (one of the early developers of the rhythm method–the forerunner to modern methods of FAM/NFP), “the development of sexual self-control can help a person be more open to the needs of one’s spouse” [1].
Couples using FAMs have to come together every month and agree on their family planning intentions. Are we avoiding, or are we achieving pregnancy? How serious are we about this intention? Couples then agree to love each other and behave accordingly based on their intention. They have to exercise the act of self-control, a vital piece for actions to be truly loving.
Couples develop self-sacrificial love, not just sexual self-control
If a couple is choosing to avoid pregnancy, they avoid intercourse during the time of the month that they are most physically attracted to each other. This requires more than just self-control, it requires many acts of self-sacrificial love. Maybe the reason to avoid pregnancy is the physical well-being of the wife. Maybe the man is struggling mentally and doesn’t feel able to emotionally handle growing their family right now. During those times of difficult abstinence, spouses are choosing to put the needs of the other, or their whole family, over their immediate desires. That difficulty may also prompt them to take concrete measures to address the reasons (physical, emotional, or otherwise) for their abstinence.
The periodic abstinence required by FAMs also pushes couples to put the energy behind their physical desires into loving each other in other ways. Maybe they spend more time bonding spiritually together through prayer or meditation. Maybe they plan a fun date night or at-home movie night with cuddling and quality time. Regardless of how they choose to spend those difficult days of abstinence, couples are regularly building those muscles of self-sacrificial love.
#2 They subsequently honor their spouse and are less inclined to use them
This second reason naturally stems from the first. Just as it is common for couples using contraceptives to forget about the self-sacrificial side of sex, it may also be easier for them to see their spouse as an object to use for sexual gratification rather than a subject to love. Sex with fertility in mind is rightly understood as a serious and even “wild” act. Sex with fertility eliminated may be seen as a right that should be readily available. But when we honor the bodies of our spouses and the way our bodies naturally want to work together, we are less tempted to use one another for the simple act of pleasuring ourselves.
#3 They have a greater awareness and understanding of the other’s needs and moods throughout the month.
One of the beauties of couples recognizing their shared fertility is their ability to understand and honor how each sex’s body functions. Men have a consistent daily cycle of steady hormones while women have a cyclical nature with necessary hormonal fluctuations throughout the month.
When a woman can understand her body, she can better care for it in her daily habits of nourishment, sleep, and exercise. Cycle syncing is becoming a popular way for women to honor their bodies. When a woman understands how her cycle is affecting her, she can also understand how her hormones are affecting her husband.
When a woman understands how her cycle is affecting her, she can also understand how her hormones are affecting her husband.
How do the hormones released during ovulation impact men?
During ovulation, a woman’s pheromone release increases [2]. As these researchers summarized, “Human males… detect the high-fertility (ovulatory) period in women by bodily odour [4], which may act as a form of sexual stimulant for men [5, 6].” Knowing that the ovulatory phase is also a time for abstinence (when avoiding pregnancy) offers an opportunity for couples to work together to find other ways to intentionally love each other when they will be most attracted, physically, to one another.
For the man, understanding his wife’s cycle and where she is in her cycle allows him to be a better spouse. He could get up to make breakfast and let her sleep in during her luteal phase when she naturally needs a little more sleep. He could buy her dark chocolate to support magnesium during menstruation. If she is ovulating, knowing that her hormones are fluctuating at rapid rates, he could be a little more intentional about word choice to avoid unnecessary arguments.
All of these are little suggestions that I’ve found to be helpful in my relationship. Couples who acknowledge, understand, and honor their shared fertility have a vital extra tool in their belts to help them be better spouses and thus have a stronger, healthier, more intimate relationship.
But what about sexual intimacy?
But doesn’t periodic abstinence take away from the spontaneity of the relationship? Many couples may believe, We should be able to be intimate whenever we want! Wouldn’t this hurt our sex life? These are valid questions and concerns, but, to the surprise of many, they are often unwarranted.
Multiple studies have found that the opposite is the case. For couples who are in healthy, mature relationships, across the board there is an evident trend of growth in intimacy in a relationship with the use of NFP/FAMs. One study done across multiple countries found that 62% of women, and even more surprisingly, 63% of men found that NFP improved their sex life [3]. Only 1% of the women and 11% of the men felt it harmed their sex life.
With FAMs, couples are more likely to honor one another, not use one another. As a bonus, periodic abstinence seems to add a bit of excitement and spice to their sex life. When we have an opportunity to love each other in deeper ways and long for one another, it makes us less likely to take our spouse for granted.
References:
[1] Fehring RJ, Manhart MD. Natural Family Planning and Marital Chastity: The Effects of Periodic Abstinence on Marital Relationships. The Linacre Quarterly. 2021;88(1):42-55. doi:10.1177/0024363920930875 [2] Tarumi W, Shinohara K. Women’s body odour during the ovulatory phase modulates testosterone and cortisol levels in men. PLoS One. 2020 Mar 31;15(3):e0230838. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0230838. PMID: 32231386; PMCID: PMC7108710. [3] Unseld, M., Rötzer, E., Weigl, R., Masel, E. K., & Manhart, M. D. (2017). Use of Natural Family Planning (NFP) and Its Effect on Couple Relationships and Sexual Satisfaction: A Multi-Country Survey of NFP Users from US and Europe. Frontiers in public health, 5, 42. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2017.00042
