Between magazines in the checkout line, movies, and social media, I am bombarded with provocative imagery that promotes sex on demand and without consequence. I also grew up in a home and a church that implored me to save sex for marriage, recognizing the natural desire for sexual intimacy that can flourish within a permanent commitment (though I found details for how to flourish beyond walking down the aisle first to be sorely lacking). Whether explicitly discussed or not, sex is everywhere. But at the same time, it isn’t talked about nearly enough. Many of us limp around with a vague or straight-up disordered sense of what healthy sexual intimacy actually is.
What else are we supposed to do? We can only work with the information we have, and—let’s be honest—we don’t always have the best teachers. Many of our role models struggled to discover how amazing sex could be—not just physically, but emotionally, too. I know I am one of many who had to learn the hard way, but those very difficult experiences paved the way for a much better marriage and a healthier self.
Within marriage, spouses’ libidos, experiences, and expectations will captivate and clash
I went into marriage thinking that the new ring on my finger would mean unlimited fun in the bedroom. Now that I look back on it, I wonder what planet I was living on. But it makes sense as I consider how I grew up in a culture that signed a check no marital experience could cash. Marriage unites a man and a woman with two different physical makeups, two different families of origin, and two different past experiences. Of course it is hard. Even at its best, it is perfectly normal for husband and wife to have mismatched libidos, experiences, and expectations that will both captivate and clash. The question is—how can we move forward constructively?
Clash
Our wedding day was beautiful and our wedding night didn’t rain on my parade. It was more like a downpour or a small hurricane. It was the first time I had sex and the pain was unbearable. Because I didn’t know any better, I paused, but then pushed through. I had trouble sleeping and walking the next day, when that situation was repeated. Over time, the pain became less acute, but remained. I did not feel pressured by my husband to endure painful sex—quite the opposite. Still, I put pressure on myself to grin and bear it because I assumed that my experience was normal and didn’t want to disrupt either of our expectations about sex in marriage.
I had looked forward to expressing marital love through sex for what felt like a lifetime. But because the act of sex itself was so uncomfortable and because I didn’t know how to say “no,” it naturally began to lose its appeal. I am not the first woman for whom sex became less attractive or who found herself with a decreasing libido. There are countless reasons why one spouse may not feel up for it, or for whom it would actually be harmful to have sex on a given night. Still, the idea of saying “no” to sex can be extremely charged due to an internal struggle and/or external pressure from a spouse or religious or secular influence.
When a “yes” to sex within marriage can be unhealthy
This is an important issue to address head-on because tolerating or pushing through sex can be very harmful to the individual and to a marriage relationship. How could it not? Sex must be pretty impactful if it can result in the creation of a new life and incredibly strong bonds, and create a range of horrible conflicts when not engaged in responsibly. So we better work on getting it (and when and how we have it) right.
Sex that is rightly ordered achieves an intimacy that will strengthen ourselves and our relationship and a fruitfulness that benefits our families and even the world around us. For intercourse to reach its fullest potential, there are some important basics to integrate into our expectations. First, comfort is a prerequisite and pleasure should be the goal for both the man and the woman. Furthermore, consent is not enough. To achieve an end that is mutually good, each spouse should fully, enthusiastically desire to get tangled up in the sheets whether that desire is spontaneous or the result of emotional and/or physical care/foreplay. I believe desire is a necessary prerequisite to intercourse that is loving.
This might feel like a steep jump for some, and maybe it is. I don’t actually think that’s a bad thing because, again, sex is kind of a big deal. We shouldn’t go into it lightly, but with confidence that both spouses are healthy and fully on board. Good spouses don’t desire the mere appearance of enjoyment and pleasure from the other person, but the authentic experience of it. Our partner wants our “yes” to run deep and not to merely be a superficial display of consent. That means that we have to consider the nature of our entire relationship when contemplating engaging in sex.
Marital intimacy doesn’t start or end in the bedroom
Sex should not be considered as a separate and distinct part of a marriage, but an extension of the whole thing. That means it doesn’t start and end in the bedroom, but with how we interact with each other throughout every single day. Are we kind and respectful? Honest and encouraging? Have we shared our desires and concerns? Have we worked to repair wounds and forgive? And have we listened and shown affection? These and many more acts of love, sacrifice, and sharing oneself should not be considered out of reach, but striven for by each spouse before they consider engaging in sex.
Captivate
When couples are loving each other well, saying no to sex is hardly an issue, and if it does come up, good communication skills and emotional depth between the two will foster growth toward understanding and a natural path forward. When two spouses are healthy physically, emotionally, and relationally, they don’t need to think twice before hopping into bed together. Sex becomes a natural extension and expression of their love and at a frequency that makes sense for each individual couple. This takes ongoing hard work by both spouses.
When reality doesn’t match the ideal
While that is the ideal and is true for some couples, it is not the reality for everyone. At some point, most couples will experience some frustration when one or both parties decline sex. And while that frustration or confusion is okay, it should be the beginning of an open conversation rather than the end of one. It is important that every person has the freedom to say “no” to sex whether married or not.
It is important that every person has the freedom to say “no” to sex whether married or not.
A healthy “no” to sex within marriage isn’t manipulation or a power play
A healthy “no” would not be given in an effort to manipulate or exert power, but to care for oneself and respect the promises made in our vows to give of our whole selves to the other. A “no” given when one does not feel physically well enough to take part or emotionally well enough to remain present means giving a vibrant “yes” only to sex that is truly good, unitive, and fruitful for two people. If sex isn’t good in any way for one spouse, it isn’t good for either of them, because they committed to becoming one on their wedding day.
Just like respecting our spouse’s “no” to sex is a part of remembering our vows, so is actively working toward any necessary healing oriented toward engaging in sex that is good and healthy for both. That could mean anything from getting some rest or having a conversation, to going to pelvic floor therapy and/or individual or couple’s counseling. For me, being able to give an enthusiastic “yes” meant going to pelvic floor physical therapy and continuing to work on my exercises at home even two years later, pursuing individual counseling, daily prayer, being honest with myself and my husband, and being willing to engage in very difficult conversations with him.
Sometimes those conversations turned into fights, and the ongoing restoration has led to greater unity. We have also sought counseling as a couple. My husband has done the very hard work of daily prayer, difficult conversations, and trying to understand what I have gone through and supporting me through it. Sex has a fascinating ability to illuminate various things in our lives and marriage that need tending to, if we let it.
Saying “no” to sex within marriage can be a gateway to greater emotional intimacy
Many people believe that sex is the most important part of a marriage and it certainly can be an incredible part of the relationship. But I think emotional connection is the most underrated facet of marriage. It is a staple a couple can (and should) thrive on, whether or not sex is an option on a given day or series of days. In fact, oxytocin, a feel-good & bonding hormone, is not only released with lovemaking and breastfeeding, but also with romantic attachment.
A 2012 study noted that “Romantic relationships can have a profound effect on adults’ health and well-being whereas the inability to maintain intimate bonds has been associated with physical and emotional distress…” Fascinatingly, the authors found that “[oxytocin levels] correlated with the couples’ interactive reciprocity, including social focus, positive affect, affectionate touch, and synchronized dyadic states, and with anxieties and worries regarding the partner and the relationship, findings which parallel those described for parent–infant bonding” [1].
When less (sex) is more (intimacy)
For Chris and I, sex has become less frequent because we are still working to heal the underlying causes of painful intercourse, and we want to make sure that we only have sex that is good for both of us. This requires consistent exercises at home which have become very emotionally difficult. I used to complete them alone and distract myself so I didn’t have to feel the sadness of having to do them.
Recently, I changed things up and committed to allowing myself to feel my grief. Then, I invited Chris into the room to hold me as I prepared to begin my exercises. With his embrace, I crumbled in tears and shared how broken I felt. He wiped the tears away, assured me that I am not broken, and we were united in the pleasure of emotional intimacy which brought its own release of oxytocin. Intercourse not included—that time.
Saying “no” to sex within marriage doesn’t equal saying “no” to love, intimacy, unity
This is what sexual intimacy truly is. While it can be a beautiful expression of intimacy, a couple doesn’t have to have sexual intercourse to experience it. And this is what is often lost in the language around sex from our culture—both religious and not. Sexual intimacy is meant to be far more than a physical experience, a gift of our entire self which—if we are being honest—is not always available even through our best efforts.
Couples are rarely able to avoid clashing, at some point, when it comes to expectations about sex. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but can be used as a blueprint for deeper intimacy. Learn to become captivated by your spouse’s needs and desires so that every “no” is mutual and every “yes” is passionate, because not all sex is good. Sex that is free and physically and emotionally healthy and pleasurable for both spouses is good, better than any magazine or movie can promise.
Editor’s Note: You can read more about healthy sexual intimacy, specifically from the woman’s point of view, in Mary’s book: Missing Pieces: Female Perspectives on Sex for Catholic Women.
