In a recent article for Natural Womanhood, Kristen Curran brought awareness to a very important but often overlooked reality: saving sex for marriage and/or using a fertility awareness method (FAM) doesn’t necessarily mean that the sexual aspect of your relationship will be perfect from the moment you say “I do” at the altar. While FAMs do have a great reputation for improving a couple’s communication and intimacy, some marriage prep courses and instructors imply or even explicitly state that using a FAM will all but guarantee a stress-free and amazing sex life (especially when compared to the known libido-dampening effects of hormonal birth control). What these instructors and courses fail to mention is that, like any aspect of your relationship, you need to be intentional about cultivating it so that it can flourish over time. While learning the benefits of fertility awareness is certainly important (especially given that marriage prep may be one of the few places where couples hear about it!), many young couples find that they also need education on how to have difficult conversations about sex.
Building a healthy sexual relationship takes time. So where to begin?
Just like when you first started dating, you and your significant other slowly got to know one another, building shared experiences, hopes, and dreams throughout your dates and the time you spent together. Even if we experience an instant connection with our partners when we first meet them, we still have to build the foundation of a healthy relationship. It is the same with the sexual aspect of your relationship. It is important to build a solid foundation built on vulnerability and strong communication.
But where do you start? While you may feel frustrated or even sad or angry over the state of your sex life, don’t give up hope and give in to resentment. Communication with your spouse is key so that you can find a solution together. After all, when you think about it, blending two unique people with different backgrounds, upbringings, expectations, sex drives, and even personalities is quite a tall order. It would make sense that it would require some time to figure out the best way to navigate these differences! Be patient with yourself and with your partner. Here are some tips for communicating when you need to have a difficult conversation about sex, especially if one or both of you is struggling to enjoy it.
Engage in personal reflection
Before you bring up what’s been on your mind with your spouse, it’s key that you spend some time processing your own thoughts, emotions, and expectations about what is going on in your sex life. If you don’t take the time to do this, you run the risk of not communicating clearly to your spouse or letting your emotions get the best of you. For example, saying, “After reflecting on what happened [after a disappointing sex experience for you], I realized I wasn’t sure how to communicate my preferences to you,” sounds very different from, “You obviously don’t even care enough to ask about how I’m feeling in the moment.”
Taking the time to process and reflect can help you avoid saying something you’ll regret later. It can also help you avoid the resentment that will build from saying nothing at all, silently but steadily eroding your unity as a couple over time. You can reflect on what emotions you are experiencing, what expectations you had that were (or were not) met, or even whether you have any external expectations you might be trying to live up to. I always encourage my therapy clients to journal (or at least jot down) their thoughts and emotions to help them plan a conversation they want to have.
Thoughts vs. feelings
One clarification about thoughts and feelings may be helpful here. Oftentimes during a conversation we say “I feel like _____” (for example, “I feel like you don’t care whether I enjoy sex or not”) but what we’re expressing isn’t an emotion (feeling) at all. It’s a thought, reflecting something we believe. You can’t really argue with someone when they say “I feel sad,” because you can’t argue with feelings. But when someone says “I feel like you don’t care about me when x or y,” what they’re really saying is “I actually think (believe) you don’t care about me when you do this thing,” and you absolutely can challenge another person’s beliefs, especially when they’re incorrect.
In their manual In Home Marriage Preparation, marriage mentors Lloyd and Jan Tate write:
“Feelings are your interior responses to things. They are spontaneous and usually unconscious. Some such responses are anger, joy, sadness, and frustration. Thoughts, on the other hand, are conscious and somewhat judgmental. People often confuse thoughts or opinions with feelings. Whenever you use the expression ‘I feel that…’ you are usually expressing a thought and not a feeling. Feelings can usually be expressed in a single word.”
Saying what it is we are actually thinking or believing about a situation, allows the other person to address misconceptions, misunderstandings, or mistakes made. For example, “When we don’t climax at the same time, or I don’t climax at all, I’m tempted to think you don’t care whether I enjoy sex or not. Is that true?” Does this require vulnerability? Absolutely. That’s why it’s so important to keep in mind what I write next.
You are on the same team
You may have heard this relationship advice before, but it’s definitely worth mentioning here: you and your spouse are on the same team–and this is especially true when it comes to sex! Remember that the two of you are facing “the problem” together. It’s not “you-versus-your spouse,” or a contest over who is right and who is wrong. Instead, the two of you are facing an issue that you need to solve–together! Taking this perspective shifts from casting blame on one another to exploring how you can work as a team to ensure that this issue does not negatively affect your relationship.
Pointing out how each other is at fault turns into a blame game which only serves to increase the distance between you both, and decrease the sense of connection you have with one another. Viewing the situation as “us-versus-the problem” can help circumvent that issue. When you both remember that you have a teammate (not an opponent), it’s a little easier to show up with the vulnerability required to successfully have necessary and difficult conversations about sex.
Be strategic about when and where you talk about issues concerning sex
Where and when you have this conversation matters. Pick a time of day and a setting where you are both mostly likely to be at your best. Not only will you both be more willing to have a difficult, highly sensitive conversation, but you will also ensure your best chance at finding a solution to the issue. For example, if you try to have the conversation towards the end of the day when you are both tired, neither of you are likely to have the patience or emotional reserves to have a difficult conversation. You might even consider scheduling the conversation so that you can intentionally pick a time where you are both likely to be at your best.
Be solution-focused
Since you will be approaching this problem as a team, your goal is to find a common point of connection that you can both agree upon. Focus on problem-solving for the issue at hand. For example, if you are struggling to enjoy sex and you are sharing this with your spouse, your common ground might be that you both want each other to enjoy sex. Then, you can come up with a plan for next steps to make progress towards this goal, whether it is finding ways to improve your communication and sense of connection inside (and outside) the bedroom, reading a self-help book together, and/or seeing a therapist together.
Finding a common point of connection can even be a valuable strategy if you find that you and your spouse disagree on an issue. Finding something that you can agree on even in the midst of those differences can be a game changer. It gives you both a place to start and a way to build a sense of togetherness despite the challenges you are facing.
Get help
Finally, don’t ever feel like you are alone in your struggles. Yes, the tips I shared above can help you have difficult conversations about sex. But, if you’ve had these conversations and one or both of you sense that you are at a standstill, consider seeking professional help. That might look like scheduling an appointment with your OB/GYN, setting up individual or couples therapy (or both!), or finding a pelvic floor PT specialist if you are having any pain.
Oftentimes, we tell ourselves that we should be able to figure things out on our own, especially with sensitive issues like sex and relationships. The trouble with that is we risk cutting off our access to people who have the very answers we are seeking. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that seeking professional help is a sign of weakness. Instead, take advantage of their specialized training and years of experience.
Additional Reading:
How mindfulness can help improve communication and charting habits for couples
Switching to fertility awareness: preparation to smooth the transition
Which family planning method is best for newlywed couples?
How FABMs help improve couple communication in an age when we really need it
What to do when fertility awareness isn’t a magic pill for a great sex life
