As the day of my wedding approached, I definitely felt nervous about how my relationship with my fiancé would change after the big day, especially as we introduced sex into our relationship. However, I was pretty confident that we had done everything we could beforehand to achieve a great sex life. We were entering into marriage with little sexual baggage, I had never been on birth control, and we both understand sex to be a beautiful gift-of-self that a married couple gives to each other.
We did all the right things and then… did not reap the rewards of fabulous, blissful sex. What started out as something difficult and awkward only got worse with time. The more upsetting sex I had, the less desire I had to try again. Finally, we came to realize that we were stuck and had no idea what to do. All of the speakers and books we were familiar with seemed to be in agreement: the first step to great intimacy in marriage is to ditch birth control and embrace fertility awareness! Despite the many documented benefits that FAM has over birth control (better communication, better libido, healthier overall relationship, greater sexual enjoyment, etc.), this “first step” didn’t seem to be the answer to all of our problems, so… was there a step two?!
A few short years of marriage hasn’t been enough to figure out how to have sex be a positive element in our relationship yet, but I’d like to think we’re getting there. For anyone else struggling with sexual intimacy in marriage (in spite of the many great benefits of fertility awareness and waiting until marriage to have sex), here are a few things we’ve learned so far.
Getting to the bottom of your feelings about sex
If something is holding you back from enjoying sex, the first step is to find out what that something is. While your doctor may be able to offer help for certain physical issues, troubleshooting your heart and mind may take a little bit more time. Consider the following questions:
- How has your upbringing influenced your views on sex?
- How have the media and cultural influences shaped your views on sex?
- How do you view your own body and sexual organs?
- What difficulties are you trying to work through in your relationship with your spouse?
- What kind of expectations do you have around sex in your marriage?
- What are your spouse’s expectations?
Even if you went through some of these questions in a marriage prep program or retreat, it’s worth revisiting them after having actually experienced sex. Perhaps you know logically that sex is something good, but feelings of shame crop up while actually engaging in sex, which warrants some soul-searching. Or maybe you know exactly what to say to a good friend about the importance of consent, but you may feel unable to say “no” in your own marriage due to feelings of guilt, anxiety, or insecurity.
The truth is, even for a couple who has always placed a high value on chastity, no one enters into marriage with a blank slate in regards to their understanding of sex. It may be painful to dive deep and identify where negative emotions like shame, fear, or guilt may be coming from, but identifying the root issue is the first step towards experiencing healing and growth—and, hopefully, a better sexual relationship with your spouse.
Don’t let resentment about sex fester
While the start of a sexual relationship will necessarily involve a little awkward trial and error as you begin to explore likes and dislikes, the experience should overall be a positive one. After all, who better to explore and discover new things about your body with than the person who has vowed to love and cherish you no matter what?
However, if it isn’t a positive experience, take the time to put sex on hold, communicate, and figure out what needs to change. Feelings of unmet expectations, embarrassment, or of being used can sow seeds of resentment. Your spouse is the last person you want to foster resentment towards, and honesty and accountability in all areas of your marriage are essential for continuing to grow closer together as a couple, both inside and outside of the bedroom.
Celebrate the good in your relationship
Maybe you feel like you and your spouse have failed in some way because you aren’t experiencing the perfect sex life you expected after waiting for marriage. However, keep in mind that your relationship up to this point has grown and developed just fine without sex. Remember all the things that are going well in your marriage and why you and your spouse got married in the first place. Maybe you guys are great communicators, have lots of fun together, or have gotten each other through some really hard times.
Yes, difficulties with sex can be so stressful and frustrating, but don’t let this eclipse all the things that are going well. If I had to choose between a wild and passionate romance but with continual strife or a loving and respectful marriage with some difficulties in the bedroom, I’d certainly choose the latter.
So, what can you do when sex feels lackluster?
The first thing to do is to remember that you are not alone, you are not a failure, and things can get better. Take time to consider where the difficulties you experience with sex are coming from and then decide what steps you want to take. For some couples, all that’s really needed is an honest discussion and a change of expectations surrounding sex (it’s okay for sex to not be glamorous!). Chances are, if you are struggling to enjoy sex, your spouse may be, too. Don’t be afraid to start the conversation, and to communicate your struggles with honesty and empathy.
For others, this may be a good time to reach out to a trusted friend, marriage counselor, or doctor, depending on the problem you want to address. So much goes into sex, from the emotional, mental, and physical side of things, that it may take reaching out to a few different folks to get to the bottom of any issues you may be having. (Certainly, if sex is painful, that is not normal—and you should absolutely bring it up with your doctor, and perhaps consider visiting a pelvic floor therapist, as well.)
Like other aspects of your relationship, sex is a journey. Just like you didn’t automatically understand all of each other’s emotions, ideas, loves, and beliefs when you first stared dating, you can’t automatically understand each other sexually from day one of marriage. Through growth, healing (whether physical, emotional, or mental), learning, and support, you can establish a firm foundation for intimacy in marriage that will serve you for many years to come.
Additional Reading:
How mindfulness can help improve communication and charting habits for couples
Men and NFP: when the challenges of periodic abstinence feel unbearable
When libido issues are not all in your head
Will sex change after getting off the Pill? An honest answer from someone who’s been there
Yep, this is us. We got married a year ago after taking an FAM course while we were engaged, thinking that we’d be all set once we got married and started having sex. Between the lingering effects of past anxiety and depression and pain during 90% of sex we’re wanting to give up trying, but we know we can’t. Thanks for posting this and giving me hope that it can get better.
Thank you so much for your comment! There’s definitely been times where we’ve wanted to give up too, but we’re still working on things, and I hope to continue to write about anything we find helpful 🙂