“Wives do not want to sleep with their husbands.”
Not the first words I expected to hear from a Princeton trained family doctor after I introduced myself and explained my interest in natural family planning.
Dr. Trihn and her husband are truly beautiful people who are successfully helping people who do not have health insurance coverage. Their motives are pure love – something that’s hard to find sometimes.
According to this wise, extremely charitable yet cut-to-the-chase woman, the biggest problem related to the work I do as fertility educator is that too many women are not interested in having sex with their husbands.
A few months after I digested this blunt remark, the FDA decides to approve a so-called “female viagra,” a wannabe next blockbuster drug that is supposed to help women with “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” become interested in and enjoy sex. Now that many women who use hormonal contraceptives have seen their libido disappear, drug makers offer another drug to coax it back. Side effects of the female viagra, Filbanserin, include dizziness, anxiety, fatigue, dry mouth, insomnia, nausea and in extreme cases, loss of consciousness[1] – but hey, let’s chance it for a net increase of one more sexually satisfying experience per month.
That’s right, just one more good time. Clinical trials for Flibanserin reported that “pleasing sexual experiences went from 2.8 times a month to 4.5 times a month. However, also during this time women on the placebo experienced an increase to 3.7 times a month[2].”
Someone did start a failed petition to stop the FDA from approving this drug but I think their efforts were unnecessary. Agreed – hypoactive sexual desire is not a disease any more than hypoactive physical activity desire or hypoactive sleep desire is. However, I believe the drug will flop on its own because women are smart, smarter than any drug company that wants to entice them into thinking they have a problem that’s worth “solving” with a slew of other real health problems.
Ladies, I know you are smarter than that. And men, I know you don’t want the woman in your life to have to take a drug just so she’ll want sleep with you. That ain’t manly, not in the least.
What’s the real problem here? Why is sweet lovin’ lacking in so many homes?
With Valentine’s Day just past and still on the brain, I invite you to reflect on how to really sweeten up your love life all year round – without compromising your blood sugar control, or your state of consciousness.
Brain-based lovin’
Okay, so the makers of Filbanserin wanted to capitalize on the well-known neuro-pathways of pleasure – namely serotonin, dopamine – by marketing something that ramps up our receptivity to these happy, bonding transmitters.
Let me count all the ways you can increase serotonin, dopamine and even oxytocin, adrenaline and phenylethylamine (a few other biological messengers involved in love and pleasure) naturally…
- Give your child a hug
- Have a long chat with a good girlfriend
- Go for a leisurely walk or run
- Paint or draw a picture of your favourite whatever
- Eat dark chocolate (Theobroma is amazing!) s-lo-w-ly
- Go dancing! Belly dancing!
- Sing or jam with a loved one
- Tickle tackle with your children or spouse
- Stop multi-tasking! Just do one thing, finish, then start something else
- CUDDLE
- SNUGGLE
- Smell your loved one
- Pet your cat
- Go for a massage
- Go for a couples’ massage
- Give a massage
- Go learn a new sport together
- Cook a spicy, exotic meal together
- Eat a spicy, exotic meal together
- Debate politics while eating a spicy meal…
I could go on but you get the point.
Brain-based love is the concert of various happy, excited and satisfaction-guaranteed pathways and how they fuel attraction, attachment and even addiction. But at the end of the day, neuroscience aside, it’s all about connecting on many levels and having fun!
A candy analogy
A popular amalgam of milk chocolate, which is mostly sugar and very little actual cocoa, plus marshmallow fluff, which is also mostly sugar or high fructose corn syrup, can be found in any corner store for under $2. Easy, cheap, and momentarily (mind-numbingly) sweet with zero points for nutritive value. Zero value for your bod.
And many people don’t feel so good after they eat it. Maybe they even feel guilty, but they’ll probably be back for more. Sugar is, after all, highly addictive.
Pure, dark chocolate, on the other hand, is low in sugar, high in cocao and loaded with antioxidants. It goes for $2.50+ around here. Slightly bigger investment but, wow, is it ever good. Bold, rich flavor, goes great with red wine, and you savour it instead of stuffing it. A little goes a long way.
Sugar is my analogy for low quality, low cost “stuff” that just fills space and time.
Sure there’s a place for it, helps the medicine go down and all, but it isn’t the real deal and, ultimately, runs the a high risk of becoming toxic.
After a while, you realize sugar isn’t good for you and you want what’s pure, high quality and, let’s face it, harder to come by.
In the context of wives not wanting their husbands and the introduction of “female viagra,” and at the risk sounding like Carrie Bradshaw, I wonder…can intimate relationships be a little like that? Too much sweet, quick sensual overload and not enough cerebral stimulus, multi-level bonding and long-term value added?
Hey, we’re only human. Love is hard work. We all want what’s quick and easy sometimes.
But may I propose an antidote if you’re tired of the same old same old?
Replace sugar with SPICE
The fix for relationships that lack quality oomph is something the makers of the Creighton Model call SPICE, which stands for the spiritual, physical, intellectual, creative/communicative, and emotional/psychological aspects of our sexuality. It’s a holistic view of sexuality, not a purely physical view.
Everyone who has been in a long-term relationship – even a totally platonic relationship – knows about SPICE. It is simply how you create a quality relationship that is rich in trust, appreciation and growth. We all know and do some of it, if not all.
Married couples with SPICE feel so happy that they get to go to bed with their best friend, whether intercourse happens or not. There’s no pressure, no scorecard, no expectations to perform – just “Hmmm…let’s look at our chart, and maybe we will, or maybe we won’t.”
Engaged couples who chart and learn SPICE have outstanding wedding nights for the same reason – they are going to bed with someone who excites them on a deeper spiritual and intellectual level, not just someone who gives them physical or emotional thrills.
Single people who practice SPICE along with fertility appreciation gain greater self-esteem, and more fulfilling relationships with their friends and family.
If you’re stuck in a rut and not feeling turned on by your love or your life, examine how much you invest in the above 5 categories of SPICE. Ask yourself what you would like to experience in each SPICE area, then flip it around and ask what you would like to give in each area to your loved one.
Every day going forward can be like Valentine’s Day: I invite you to look at your partner with fresh eyes and discover that there’s nothing sweeter than SPICE!
References
[1] http://www.fda.gov/NewsEvents/Newsroom/PressAnnouncements/ucm458734.htm
[2] http://www.flibanserin-hsdd.com/
There are several reasons why women may not want to sleep with their husbands: 1. they may fear to become pregnant; 2. the may be taking the pill, which is known to severely inhibit their libido; 3. they may know of the dangers of the pill and do not want to take it; so they are back to 1.)
What these women need to know is that there is a completely healthy alternative: Smart Women’s Choice. I recommend they go to the website and learn all about this 100% effective birth control that produces ZERO side effects. All explained on the website. Smart Women’s Choice SAVES LIVES!